How Rob Got His Drive Back

I discovered something amazing. I don’t know what it is yet – or at least am having a very hard time communicating what it is. I know this is a long post but I offer it to anyone who is, was, or will be in a “mental / emotional plateau”.

If you have read my posts you’re aware that over the past couple months I’ve been struggling with the mental/emotional aspects of my journey to Destination: LEAN.

If not, here’s a synopsis of what’s been going on:

For the first time since I started BFFM, I missed my goals at the end of 2006. That was a huge blow. It really frustrated me and depressed me. I tried to shrug it off, pick up the pieces and move forward. It ate at me. I couldn’t focus enough to set down new goals. I had to find out why.

I firmly believe that the majority of my success has been emotionally driven. Upon further examination, I discerned that the emotions that drove me were a response to some very negative experiences and a drive to get back to where I was. That was my first mistake. Where I was was still fat. I met that goal and I didn’t even know I had it as a goal. I got control over other aspects of my life and regained a sense of safety and security but I’m still carrying around “a few extra pounds”. I got back to where I was.

OK – I did a lot of soul searching, naval gazing and introspection. I had some great realizations. Why couldn’t I get as lean as I want to be? I thought I might be afraid to. Being completely lean will be a new experience for me and uncharted territory. I also didn’t think that I deserved to be lean. That old nemesis, low self esteem, began creeping into the back of my thoughts. Let’s just say that I have baggage cars. I have been successful at uncoupling some of them and that’s a constant part of the journey as well. Some family illness also took priority in my life for a time being.

The next part of the puzzle is what I’m doing and going to do about it.

I firmly believe that there is something greater than us moving through our lives. Call it God, Allah, Adonai, Karma, Energy, Power or even The Universe. I’ believe it is real and available if we tune our thoughts and emotions to it and just ask. In January, I started sending out requests (both physical and mental). I got a response. I got Scott Tousignant’s workout program and out of the blue, my roommate suggested that we start training together. Some members of my family approached me for help in getting lean as a response to some scary medical news. Working with them has ignited a fire in me. To top it off, a friend pointed out a training course for Certified Sports Nutritionist that I’m now enrolled in. I was so amazed at the responses I was getting that my company’s plans to lay-off 5,000 employees has not even phased me.

The workouts are going great. My roommate is pushing me harder than I’ve ever pushed myself. I’m packing on an average of .75 pounds of lean mass a week with no increase in fat – in fact there is minute fat-loss! What I’ve really noticed is an increase in strength. I’m working up percentage increases and will post them in my progress journal over the next couple of days.

I still have not formulated specific goals. I’m enjoying that process very much right now. I am discovering my ‘WHY’. After so long of a struggle to ‘get back to where I was’ I’m having a lot of fun dreaming right now. It’s true that I have no personal experience to use as a reference point. That used to frighten me but I’ve somehow been able to liberate myself from it. I now realize that there is no limit to what I can do with and for myself. I am having to force myself to dream and dream big.

What is my “WHY”? I don’t know – yet. I’m just now getting comfortable with the prospect that anything is possible. For my entire life, I have existed within the limits that others or even I, myself, have put upon me. Breaking those chains is hard but it’s the most liberating thing possible. The core of my ‘WHY’ is to live the most complete life possible. I think I need something a little less nebulous, but for right now, that’s enough. I’m discovering what that means for me specifically. With endless possibilities, that’s not as easy as it may seem. I don’t know what my specific goals are going to be. I do know that I have a trip to Miami in July of 2008 so that’s definitely in the mix.

What I do know is that I’m extraordinarily grateful. I’m grateful to God for giving me life. I’m grateful to my parents for raising me. I’m grateful for every experience I have ever had. I am grateful to You for reading this and to all who support me. I’m even grateful to those who don’t because they drive me as well. For the first time in three years I can actually say that I am grateful those two men broke into my home and held me on the floor with a gun to the back of my head. They were never caught. I have always wished they had been. I used to wish this out of justice or revenge. Now I wish it because I could then thank them for giving me that experience. Without it, I would not be where or who I am today. Without it, I’d still be fat.

This week I mark the second anniversary of the start of my journey to Destination: LEAN. In a lot of ways, it feels like it’s just beginning.